While some people might consider a certain celebrity to be their hero, they’re not really heroes. I swear. They’re just regular people with more money than us. Contrary to what my eight year old self desperately wanted to be true, Superman does not walk among us. That said, some of those famous people might blur the lines between fantasy and reality and have “abilities” that would appear inhuman or superhuman.
Let me rephrase that: there’s no one alive that has the ability of flight or pyrokinesis. Trust me, I’d know. But there are some people out there who can push the limits of what we consider to be “normal” in a good way, leading to some unique thing that they can do. And they’re famous, so why not give them a little shine with that nice lil’ spotlight of ours? And hey, someone better get to work on branding and costumes and shit. We need to turn this into a well-oiled machine so we can get a real life Avengers or Justice League going on here. The world needs us.
Daniel Browning Smith
Power: super flexibility. Daniel can pretty much twist himself into any shape you don’t want to be stuck in if you have a really bad back. Practical use of superpower: folding oneself up to fit inside a box, folding oneself up to talk out of an ass-microphone, making people go “ew that’s gross” when you do things with your limbs (he can dislocate all four of them at will, by the way).
Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson
Power: super strength. Also known as The Mountain from Game of Thrones. You might have heard about that show. He also participates in strongman competitions, which probably means he’s a strong man. I mean, why else join. He looks like he could wrestle a bear The Revenant-style, though.
Power: human flight technology. While not having any “real” superpowers, he’s the closes thing to Iron Man we’ve got. You go ahead and tell him he’s not a superhero, I’m worshipping this man like a God.
Power: super strength. Another one of those strong people with lots of unnecessary accents on their names. This is pretty much The Thing to Björnsson’s Hulk – we could argue all day on who’s the strongest, but eventually it all depends on the writer.
he gained his savant powers after a seizure.
Power: super genius. This guy has a brain that can complete ridiculously hard operations in no time flat. By the time I’ve figured out how much my 10% discount on my 3 dollar sandwich will save me, Daniel’s already calculated the 50th decimal of pi. He also managed to get a degree in a week. Imagine saying: “I should get a proper education” on Monday and by Sunday going home all – we can scratch that one off the list!” Fun fact:
Power: super agility. Jessie has the power of being a real life Black Widow. Ironically, her agility and stamina have gotten her lots of opportunities as a stunt actor for – you guessed it – superhero movies and TV shows. That means I’m pretty much obligated to put her on this list.
Power: super speed. We all know this guy. He’s the fastest runner we’ve ever seen and he’s gotten so many medals at the Olympic Games that it’s not even funny anymore. Well, especially not for the other people competing against him.
Power: animal communication. Look everyone, it’s Aquaman! Only without the cool Aquaman powers, just the lame one. But at least Kevin can talk to lions instead of fish. One could call that a significant improvement. Also, no orange-green spandex.
Power: thermoregulation. This man can walk around in sub-zero temperatures without even needing a goddamn sweater. Now that’s a practical thing to have. Unless you live in a warm country, in which case you’re probably reading this and thinking “What is this ‘c-c-old’? Can I eat it?”
Power: super strength. This lil’ kid was born with a buff body. I, on the other hand, can’t even get a proper sixpack with hard work and dedication. All I get is like, less time to drink and eat unhealthy shit. That’s not a superpower, that’s torture. Anyway, Uberboy’s parents want him to be anonymous, so they named him using a little Hitlarian terminology (that he stole from Nietzsche) for non-jews. Because why the hell wouldn’t you do that for your superpowered kid anyway?