How’s your 2020 going? If you responded with such expressions as “lovely,” “swimmingly,” or “quite grand,” your sarcasm-o-meter is off the charts! While the Great Plague has turned this into a year most would rather forget, at least we can take comfort in the fact that a bunch of great movies came out, right? Ah, but that’s not what we’re going to cover in this article. We thought it might be fun to pour a little salt in the wound and focus on some of the very worst movies released in 2020. Enjoy!
Ray Garrison (Vin Diesel) is a US Marine who successfully rescues a bunch of people, is killed on vacation by mercenaries, he is brought back to life like Jean Claude Van Damme in Universal Soldier, and a bunch of other stuff happens, etc., etc. You get to watch 109 minutes of Vin Diesel mumbling, getting bored with his lines before he’s finished delivering them, he never once punches a walrus in the throat, and blah blah blah we’ve managed to bore ourselves trying to summary this movie. If you’ve ever gone to a Vin Diesel in literally anything and walked away feeling disappointed, you only have yourself to blame. Twice. First, you’re fooling yourself if you actually think you’re going to experience a cinematic masterpiece of filmmaking. Second, it means you ignored our advice and went to see craptastic movies like this anyway. This isn’t even “so bad it’s good” stuff. It’s just bad.
6. Brahms: The Boy II
This is a stand-alone sequel to The Boy, meaning you don’t need to have seen the first one to “enjoy” the second. And enjoy you won’t! Liza (Kate Holmes) and her son Jude (Christopher Convery) survive a home invasion by two masked men, and after all that trauma — which has left Jude suffering from mutism — her husband Sean (Owain Yeoman) decides they should all move to the countryside to recover. While there, Jude comes across a creepy doll that turns out to be demonic. As is a common horror movie trope, Liza and Sean act silly and clueless, completely in denial about all the terrible things going on. The dialogue is dull and uninspired, and the CGI effects are really lame. The movie poster for this one — which features a blue-tinted doll with a cockroach coming out of its mouth — should make any reasonable person think, “Maybe no?”
5. Coffee & Kareem
If you’re a big fan of buddy/odd couple comedies that aren’t funny at all, inviting friends over to watch Coffee & Kareem is a guaranteed way to never hear from them again. Kareem (Terrence Little Gardenhigh) isn’t cool with his mother Vanessa (Taraji P. Henson) dating a bozo cop named James Coffee (Ed Helms), so he plots to break them up by hiring some goons to give Coffee a scare. Zaniness ensues and Kareem and Coffee have to team up and meh. Whatever. It’s ostensibly a kiddie movie and yet it contains a lot of adult humor. In other words, it can’t quite decide which audience it is trying to appeal to.
Archer Monroe (Patrick Warburton, aka Puddy from Seinfeld!!!), the patriarch of a wealthy, politically powerful family dies suddenly, leaving behind a mysterious will that leads to conflict between to be bad. In fact, on the surface the concept had the potential to be intriguing. But ultimately, it’s a real mess. It tries to be too many things. It’s like throwing ice cream, hamburgers and window cleaner into a blender and hoping the end result is a culinary masterpiece. If done with a wink, it might have been possible to win the audience over, but the movie takes itself way too seriously with all its pretentious plot twists.
3. The Wrong Missy
If a movie is produced by Adam Sandler’s Happy Madison and stars David Spade (and features, um, Rob Schneider), it’s targeted for a very particular audience. And when I say “particular” I mean people who wouldn’t know what a good movie is if it bit them on the ass. Spade plays Tim, who goes on a blind date with a woman named Melissa (Lauren Lapkus) and things don’t go well. A few months later he meets another Melissa who seems to be the woman of his dreams. He thinks he’s inviting her to his Hawaii retreat, but thanks to a madcap screw up, Melissa from the terrible date shows up instead. I love Lauren Lapkus, but even she can’t save this sorry excuse for a movie.
2. The Secret: Dare to Dream
Katie Holmes is on the list again, this time as Miranda Wells, a widow mother of three who uses the power of positive thinking to change the family’s lives. Of all the movies on the list, this one is the most cynical as its only purpose is to serve as a vehicle for selling more copies of The Secret, the self-help book that is garbage but very popular because people love nothing more than to devour useless trash. In a nutshell, the movie is a big glob of syrupy sweet mixed in with fluffy bunnies and warm, microwaved socks.
You might know Robert Downey Jr. from Iron Man. And Iron Man II. And don’t forget about the third one. Plus the movies not called Iron Man but nonetheless feature Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man. Remarkably, this is the first time in 6 years that Downey has acted in a movie in which he wasn’t Iron Man. And boy, let me tell you, it is as terrible as you might imagine. He plays the titular Doctor John Dolittle, who as you know talks to the animals. But wait, didn’t Eddie Murphy do that once? Indeed he did! But the budget for this reboot was $175 million, and it was money well wasted. The jokes fall flat — there’s a really gross one involving a dragon and colonoscopy — and it’s reported that Universal lost a cool $100 million when all was said and done.