On October 29, 2020, the world changed forever. This was the date when The Witches — based on the 1983 Roald Dahl children’s book and starring Anne Hathaway — began streaming on HBO Max. It’s actually the second time this movie has been made, with the previous one coming out 30 years ago. Why might you end up watching this movie? We’ve come up with eight possibilities:
1. You love magic
Whether it’s Witches in the Woods, Hansel and Gretel, Blair Witch Project, or even Which Way Home (a movie that has nothing to do with witches), if it’s on TV or available on a streaming service, you will stop everything you’re doing to watch it. You might even have a witch tattoo. Or you often like to go to the woods and do some weird dance in order to please the tree spirits. Or make chicken soup in a large cauldron as you cackle, pretending like it is actually a witch’s brew. If any of these totally sound like you, there’s no doubt you’ll watch The Witches.
2. What else is there to do during a pandemic?
Unless you’re lucky enough to be living in a country like New Zealand that has Covid-19 under control, you probably find yourself with a lot of time on your hands. You can’t go out and party. Going to the pub is not an option either. It’s impossible to travel abroad and post enchanting photos of Bora Bora on your Instagram account. So why not watch The Witches? You’ve literally got nothing else going on in your life.
3. You’re on a long flight and the selection of movies is lacking
Let’s suppose you do manage to get away from wherever it is you live and check out Serbia or a handful of other countries that still allow foreigners to enter. You’ll probably notice that your entertainment options aren’t the greatest. There’s a documentary about elephants. Some weird science fiction movie from a decade ago. Some romcom that just doesn’t look all that interesting. Well, lucky for you The Witches is among the choices. So there you go!
4. Well, you’re shelling out money to subscribe to HBO Max, so, I mean…
The HBO Max costs $15/month. Pretty reasonable, yeah? Here’s the problem though: every moment not spent watching this streaming service is basically money that’s going to waste. We can’t have that, now can we? Sounds like it’s time to watch The Witches and make the most of your subscription.
5. You’ve waited your whole life to see a remake of the 1990 original
If you happened to have seen the version of The Witches that came out in 1990 and thought to yourself, “I hope they make this movie again someday” this is entirely consistent with your “I love witch-related movies” worldview! The fact that critics have suggested that the original starring Anjelica Huston and Rowan Atkinson (Mr. Bean himself!) is a superior product isn’t going to stop you from declaring this the greatest movie of the Great Plague Era.
6. You created a picker wheel with the names of different movies and when you spun, The Witches is what you landed on
In this scenario, you are watching the movie due entirely to chance and fate. However, if you’re somebody who spends a lot of time wondering about what might have been, it could be a big distraction. Imagine trying to get through the movie and thinking how if the wheel had landed elsewhere, you might be watching The Sixth Sense, The Dark Knight, or even Toy Story 4 instead. So many possibilities. Whoa.
7. You lost a bet and watching The Witches is the consequence
The bet could really be anything. You’re somebody who takes bold risks. Perhaps you incorrectly guessed who would win the Uzbekistan presidential elections. Or insisted that you could eat an entire large pepperoni pizza but were ultimately too full to finish off that last slice. Hopefully, this teaches you to be more cautious in the future, as watching The Witches can serve as a really painful lesson.
8. You were somehow tricked into it
Perhaps your significant other told you to go over to their house because they had something really important to tell you. Do they have a present for you? Are they going to propose??? Nope. Not even close. When you arrive, they just announce that they want to watch The Witches and they’re making you watch it with them. What a horrible thing for them to do!